Behind Brown Eyes
by technochy
Summary: But it was too much for any of us to bear…and you just couldn’t take it anymore. So you left. You left when I needed you most. But I try not to remember you that way. I try to go back to before then… From Emma's POV
1. Chapter 1 6 9 05

**A/N: **I don't really know where the idea for this story came from. I guess I was still mad because they got rid of Sean and a little upset because Emma was struggling so much. It's told from Emma's POV, but you'd have probably figured that out.If you aren't up to date with the show then I don't suggest you read this as it contains info from almost the entire series and even a few spoilers I've learned of being an American and having not seen half of season 4. I'm posting this to see if you guys like it or not. It is not a one-shot and I hope to continue it. Please review as getting your opinions is my entire reason for posting this. And if you like this and watch RFR then maybe you can check out some of my other stories. Anyway hope you enjoy and please give me your honest opinion and any criticism you can.

You never forget your first crush, or at least that's what I think. Then again, maybe it's different for me; after all you did save my life. But it was too much for any of us to bear…and you just couldn't take it anymore. So you left. You left when I needed you most. But I try not to remember you that way. I try to go back to before then…when we were happy. Our first date…our first really messed up date. I never forgave myself for ruining that night…with you. Sometimes I even go back farther…to before we met. When I was so desperate to find a boyfriend…so alone…my friends just weren't enough. I didn't feel like I had friends. They were really the best thing that ever happened to me, but instead of listening I blew them off…and turned to my one true (as I thought) friend. The internet. Jordan. I felt so alone…so unloved…I needed someone…and he was there. He was the boyfriend I'd always dreamed of. And I needed him…so I let myself trust him. I was crazy really, and I guess a clean shirt and second photo can never change the past. He tried so hard to hurt me…and that made me feel even more alone. And then you came, and I got confused 'cause I wasn't supposed to feel that way about anyone. I'd learned my lesson after Jordan. But I'd started listening to my friends, and I could tell that they thought it was ok since I actually knew you. But what did they know?

And then I can't bear to remember anymore because I just feel so…weird…you know happy and sad at the same time. And I'm confused because you can't feel both at once…so I fix that. I remember the worst day of my whole life…the shooting…just so I can feel half-way normal again. Because now I feel completely sad and not partly happy; and I'm no longer confused. And then I realize that in that memory…you're there…and you risk everything to save me. And that depresses me even more. I don't love you anymore…no more crush. I've moved on. I believe I've moved on. I know I've moved on. And you probably have too. And now it's worse because I know that I'm always stuck without you.

I tried to duplicate what we had…I went to Jay. He's nice, really, but you know that. But I don't feel anything. I feel nothing now. The only time I ever feel something is when I remember. But memories can only last so long. School, family, friends all get in the way. They don't realize it…they don't know I'm trying to feel like a normal human and as long as I'm distracted I can't. They don't know I feel no emotions…I've made it to where my expression always fits the scenery; and it works: they believe me. And I'm left to pity myself again. But I can only pity when I remember. I can only pity when I remember feeling pity. Pity for Manny. Pity for mom. Pity for Snake. Pity for you. I like those memories; because, oddly enough, pity makes me feel happy. And I can finally accept that I'm not normal because I realize that I've gone insane. And then I realize that it's all your fault. Because of what you did at the shooting. And then Rick comes to mind, his laughing glare as he points the gun at me. So close to pulling the trigger…I can see the change in pressure and hear the silent click. And then you jump forward and nothing happens. I don't hear the gun go off or see him fall to the floor dead. But I look at you, and I feel pity for you because of what will happen next.

Of course being insane there was no way I could keep them from knowing forever. So after all the guidance counseling and group meetings at school I get extra counseling. I get to see a shrink specially picked out by my loving parents. I don't know why they care so much because really I'm not doing anything wrong. And, he, he, he, I get to miss school sometimes just to go see the shrink. Or at least that's what I'm told. I haven't met her yet. My first meeting is in two days. Oh look at the calendar…two days from now is the exact same day of the week that you and I went on our first date. I'm laughing now, I'm sure it must be the most hilarious sight there ever was. Poor little old me laughing hysterically at apparently nothing.

"What's so funny, Em?" Mom asks and suddenly I realize that I'm eating dinner, but I haven't really touched my food. Everything but two bites are still sitting there and I've been eating for ten minutes!

I blink my eyes blankly, trying to get you out of my mind, "Nothing mom," I reply and smile.

"Then why are you laughing?" Snake asks.

"Didn't you see it? Jack just made the funniest face!" I claim, and they are satisfied.

They don't think I'm totally crazy, but I hit that marker long ago and am now well past insane. It'd be nice if they could tell, but instead of worrying myself over it I shovel another bite of dinner (Chicken, peas, mashed potatoes, and corn) into my mouth. And for a moment the taste almost makes me forget reality. Snake starts telling mom a funny story about what some kid did at school today, and I laugh when I'm supposed to. They finish eating, but as always (worried about me as they are) they keep sitting there waiting for me to be done.

They stare at me expectantly (waiting for a story no doubt) but then give up and decide to ask, "How was school today?"

I dread these conversations 'cause the truth is that I hate to think about it. It's just too much.

"Everyone is still staring at me," I admit and they share a concerned glance that I'm supposed to either match or heal, "but at least Sean doesn't have to deal with it anymore. It was worse for him being the hero and all."

Mom nods, but I can tell that Snake isn't fully satisfied. He lets it go, however, as I've managed to gulp down several more bites of food. I think he's beginning to think that those first ten minutes where I wasn't eating were just a fluke…that really I'm fine. I know they wish I was, and I know they think I almost am. I can't tell them the truth, and I'm gonna hate the shrink lady. I can guarantee that. 'Cause unlike Snake she isn't gonna let topics go so easily. I hope I don't crack and tell her everything though, at least not before I learn her name. That's a joke and I laugh again. When mom and dad ask what's up I claim that I still can't get Snake's story out of my head, and suddenly they laugh too.

When I finally finish eating mom has a surprise. She brings out a big key lime pie. Snake's favorite. We're celebrating something I guess, I dunno what, maybe another milestone with his cancer or something. It's been gone for a while so I don't know what suddenly makes mom so thankful to still have Snake alive. I look down, and my expression twists into one of disgust, but they're too happy to notice and I soon recover from the initial shock of how much I have to eat. I hate eating now…well more than necessary…and getting dinner down was hard enough. We all dig in to our pie, but all I can think about as I sit there is my nickname. Greenpeace. It fits so well. A green piece of pie. Lol, I never thought of myself that way before. I snicker, but pretend to have sneezed. Mom makes me wash my hands. She's in one of her moods today, and has suddenly become obsessed with germs. The last time that happened was when Snake was sick (with what we thought was a cold and turned out to be leukemia).

As I'm washing my hands in the bathroom I think of the pie again, and you…when you joined the bad crowd (Jay and Alex and them) you started to always call me Greenpeace or Naturegirl or whatever just like them, and I realize now you were just as lonely and desperate as me. Except back then I could handle it and you couldn't. But I don't blame you, I mean I had to learn my lesson too with the whole internet boyfriend Jordan whom I kept a secret for eight whole months. At the time it was my biggest mistake, my biggest nightmare, but now after all that has happened it's really nothing. By the time I finish eating I've wasted so much time that it's now 8:00 and I'm exhausted.

"I'm gonna go to bed," I say kissing mom and dad on the cheek.

They smile and say "Good night." But I hardly notice.

I fake a yawn and then rush down the basement stairs to my room. I collapse on my bed out of breath. For a while I try to sleep without even bothering to get undressed, but the problem is he still haunts my thoughts so it's impossible and I give up. I flip on the little table lamp I got a few days ago and then I pick up the latest English book I'm supposed to be reading. I've spent so much time with the book that I'm already half done when the rest of the class is only on chapter three. It makes me feel special to know that I have done so much more than them.

But my grades still reflect how I feel or rather how I'd feel if I could feel. I hate Rick and Sean so much…Toby too…they did so much to hurt me and it made me change. I didn't want to, but what choice was I given? And then I feel jealous of you all because of how you're trying to handle the situation…how you escaped…and the fact that I'm not. There's so much still expected of me, and I can't run from it…not anymore. Not that I ever could. I mean come on! I thought I was doing pretty well as the daughter of a stupid sixteen-year-old. Guess not. Boy was I dreaming! I don't blame them for expecting so much and treating me this way, I always showed promise. That's why grandma was so able to accept me as a granddaughter. After I was born it could have been hard, maybe the pregnancy hadn't seemed real…but I was…and I'm glad I was acceptable.

But even after that thought, I still can't sleep, and I realize that the only way for me to sleep is to make myself happy. I have to remember something that made me laugh…but what? I can't remember the wedding because he was there or my first date because again he was there, and I definitely can't remember winning the game show because…well…let's just say it wasn't a pleasant outcome. And then it hits me. It's back long before Sean and I met. There were four of us, J.T., Manny, Toby, and me, we were the best of friends and no one could spoil it. We were at the park with ice cream just playing around, but J.T. had a little 'accident' and his ice cream ended up all over his nose. I'm lucky because amazingly enough the memory is enough to put me to sleep, normally it isn't but I guess I was just so tired.

In the morning I wake up to the unforgiving sound of my alarm clock. I hate the idea that it's a school day in just an hour, and try to come up with some excuse not to go. If I told them I just really didn't want to go they wouldn't make me, but they'd worry and I don't want that. It's silly really that even now when I'm insane I still think of others first. I could never hurt anyone no matter what happened…not like Rick. But I'm amazed he took as much as he did, if we'd only seen it sooner…I hate the idea that he'll never breathe again even if I almost ended up the same way. You know, I always hated killing and death. I guess that was sorta mom's fault 'cause since she wouldn't talk I always thought my real dad had died. You know when I was around four or five since I hadn't seen him in so long. But I was such a sweet little girl, or so I'm told. I do remember it…all of it, but not the same way they do. Maybe because I was young or maybe it was just a different way of viewing the world.

Of course now I see things differently 'cause of the whole Rick bringing a gun to school, shooting Jimmy, attempting to shoot me, and dieing thing that I kind of witnessed…but no one understands. I mean no one even knows why he went after me. They all thought we were cool and civilized toward each other, but they're never gonna know that he tried to kiss me and I destroyed him. If he wasn't over the edge already I'm the one who made him do that horrible thing. And I think that's why my mind has stopped trying, because if it does then it will feel guilty…and if it does then I might become just as much of a monster as Rick was. Or maybe just one like Sean that can push his girlfriend down into the grass and walk away without a second thought. No…I could never be that heartless, but he really isn't heartless…I mean if he was then he wouldn't have been so torn up that he had to leave. I'm confused again, but at least I'm not thinking of the eminent school day fast approaching. And I smile at the thought that I was calm again if only for a few minutes but still enough that it made a difference. And I think I can face school now.


	2. Chapter 2 6 13 05

**A/N: **Yes here it is part 2! I would like to thank my wonderful reviewers caramelswirl11, xcrazybabii69x, and YellyBelly! And I would also like to inform my unregistered readers that anonymous reviews have now been enabled (I didn't know they were disabled) so if you would like to review please feel free to do so :). And of course I have to set a review goal, so let's try and get 25 reviews, I only need 22 more!

**Part 2:**

I shiver as Degrassi comes into my view. For some reason I'm having an especially hard time forgetting the shooting today. I don't know why, but of course it won't last long. I'll soon be at school; I'll soon be talking to friends (or the now once again very supportive former friend known as Manny Santos). But I try not to think about that as long as I can, of course as long as I can isn't going to be much longer as I can now see her walking straight towards me and can automatically assume she wants to talk.

I haven't told anyone at school about the shrink mom and dad are going to make me go to so of course anyone who knows me and can see how it affected me is worried. Actually I'm almost to the point where I'm so annoyed by their little sympathetic tones and concerned glances that I'm on the brink of telling them about the shrink if only to maybe make them shut up! Of course I can't completely win, they'll shut up…but the glances…the stares…those will never stop.

"Emma!" She calls as she begins running towards me as if afraid I'll try to get away.

I sigh and turn to face her, "Hey Manny!" I greet enthusiastically.

She starts off the conversation slow as always, "How's baby Jack?"

I shrug my shoulders, "He's laughing a lot lately."

"I thought you liked to talk about him," She explained.

"There's not much to tell," I offer.

Manny is a lot harder to fool than my parents, which is kind of pathetic. I mean my parents (well mom anyway and maybe Snake since he is my teacher) should know me better than anyone since they've known me for fourteen years, and yes Snake has known me that long. Manny can usually tell when I'm hiding something from her, which is really one of the biggest reasons why I try not to talk or show any unwelcome emotions. If she notices anything wrong then she goes straight to my mom, but I guess I owe her my life too. She and Toby and J.T., I guess they saved my life just like Sean. I just never thanked them…you know I guess I was really mad at them for digging in my personal e-mail and stuff, but if they hadn't…Jordan could have killed me. So I don't try to avoid her now. I guess she's the second best thing after Sean. My second savior I guess.

I smile, "Yeah I didn't sleep too well last night," I say truthfully.

"Why not?" She asked.

I was NOT going to tell her the truth and I had to come up with an excuse…fast! Fortunately I can think really quickly in a situation like this, "I was worried about mom…long story and we don't have time to get into it because home room is about to start!"

Lucky for me home room really was about to start and we had exactly 3 minutes to get to class. We made it of course and quickly took our seats only to be greeted by our teacher who was not impressed by the whole "in class ten seconds before the bell rang" thing as he put it. I giggled under my breath while Manny tried to make up an excuse not that we needed one because we had been on time, and she wasn't impressed by my insensitivity to our situation.

"What situation?" I asked, "Look around Manny the teacher is back up at his desk already, you've been talking to yourself this whole time!"

"Oh," She stuttered.

I nodded as if to say 'But I won't bug you about it and no one else paid attention so don't worry you're safe'. She smiled and I could see her cheeks get a little red; she was embarrassed! But who wouldn't be? Oh wait me. Unless I wanted to be embarrassed and had the chance to think embarrassing thoughts like the time Rick tried to kiss me or on my first date with Sean when I got pooped on by a bird. Now that is embarrassing! And after thinking so I could feel my own cheeks reddening, but pretended to be acting this way for Manny's sake so she didn't feel too embarrassed. And amazingly enough she was grateful for my help.

School was passing much slower than I would have liked, but I guess that was partly because everyone was staring at me constantly even in class. And I wondered how much better it will be once Jimmy gets back to school and can take all of the glory. Or it might get worse if everyone sees what could have happened to me. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if Sean hadn't won the battle for the gun…

At lunch I struggle to get out of the public eye and find a calm place to sit. I end up with Paige and Hazel who are feeling really sympathetic and wishing they'd treated Rick better in hopes that it could have been prevented.

They try to make small talk saying, "I hope it doesn't rain today since we're going shopping after school!" Paige notified me.

She sounded different, not like her usual self, but I wasn't given much time to think about it because Hazel suddenly looked forlorn and Paige was about to speak again to calm her.

"Don't worry, hun, we'll look for the best 'get well soon' card in the store!" She laughed trying to calm Hazel's nerves.

"You're paying right?" Hazel joked and the pair laughed.

"Sure, Hun!" Paige assured her.

They weren't really paying much attention to me, which suited me just fine, but they suddenly seemed to realize the same thing and started including me in their conversation.

"Hey, Emma, you wanna come?" Hazel invited.

I shrugged my shoulders, "Sure I guess, but we'll have to stop by my place to ask my mom if it's ok."

"Hun, don't worry about your mom! Where's the adventure?" Paige enthusiastically asked me.

"I didn't know shopping was an adventure," I added.

"Paige, just drop it. Sure Emma we'll make a stop," Hazel assured me.

I don't think Paige understood what was going through Hazel's mind, but I did. She was thinking about the fact that my parents might worry about me not coming home after I nearly died in the shooting.

"They aren't that worried about it, Hazel," I mentioned and she nodded.

"I just thought…you know," She shrugged her shoulders.

"Yeah, I know…I'd probably be worried about that if it was my daughter," I responded.

"Hun, what're you talking about?" Paige asked still oblivious.

"The same thing we're shopping for," I explained and suddenly she understood.

It was becoming an even longer school day every minute, and I was getting impatient. I wasn't excited about shopping (I used to like shopping, but now nothing is quite so special), not really, it was just something to pass the time and it had also gotten me a pair of new friends. Or was it the shooting that did that part? I usually know these things, but I'm a little shaken up having actually been talked to by the friends of the guy who got shot and not actually being blamed for the whole ordeal. I mean isn't it obvious that if he was looking for me then I did something major to anger him? I really should try to get the shooting off my mind, I mean how much is there on that subject to think about? Even if the day of the shooting was the day that changed my life forever.

As it turned out we didn't find any good cards while shopping, but Hazel did get distracted in the clothing department by several cute outfits she would never be able to afford. They went home with two bags each completely filled with the latest style including one outfit they'd gotten as a gift for me. I hadn't bought anything myself. I'd looked around, but I just didn't find clothes to be important today. Maybe it was pre-shrink nerves as I only had eighteen hours until my session. He, he, suddenly I find myself thinking 'I shouldn't be going to any shrink! Shrinks are for people like Ellie who are harmful. I'm not harmful, I'm just a little crazy'. But I was NOT about to explain that to my mom, so I'd just have to suck it up.

As far as I can see I have three options. 1. Beg mom to not make me go the shrink, 2. Go to the shrink and do my best to act normal, or 3. Run away from home and never return so that I wouldn't have to go to the shrink. The last option isn't appealing in the least and I'd rather not go running like a dog with its tail tucked between its legs to mom and make myself sound like even more of a total nut. Of course I really don't like option two any better, but I have to choose one and I think I'll fare better with that one.

Paige and Hazel made me promise I'd wear my new outfit to school on Monday so now I'm staring in my mirror not even really paying attention to my reflection. I must admit that I don't look half bad in my new clothes and I'm a little excited about wearing this tomorrow. But the only problem is that this will probably attract even more unwanted stares, but at least they won't be staring at me really…they'll be more staring at my clothes. That's how it is for Paige and all the other popular people and fashion conscious kids I think, but I don't really know considering I was only in the in-crowd once before and only for a week. I'd have never joined it if I'd known that it was going to bring me so near to death helping them bully Rick. But what can I say the past is the past and I can't change what any of us did. Though I'd love to bring Sean back and start over brand new. We forgave each other once or twice…wouldn't we be able to do so again?

As I'm standing there mom comes down the stairs and begins grilling me, "Em, when did you get home?"

"About an hour ago," I reply.

"And you didn't even come tell me you were back?" She was not impressed.

"Jack was crying and I got side tracked, but Snake knew," I shrug.

"Young lady, I was getting worried about you!" She grits her teeth.

"Mom, you don't need to worry about me. I'm fine," I smile and turn to face her.

She frowns, "Em, I'm just…you're my daughter…I'm supposed to worry,"

"Mum, I'm not a kid! I can take care of myself!" I shoot back.

I can tell I've hurt her feelings as she turns around and walks up the stairs back toward the living room. She doesn't think I know because in the back ground I can hear Jack crying and I can guess that I'm supposed to assume that that's why she left. I sigh and try to think of what to do next. I really don't know so I just stand there for ten more minutes pretending to be looking for any flaws in my reflection, but I eventually give up and get ready for bed. But something's not right…Jack's still crying. Mom must not have heard him, I guess I was wrong. I go up stairs to find mom cuddling baby Jack trying to get him to quite down (ok so maybe I was right after all). It's almost a miracle 'cause as soon as I get into Jack's view he stops crying and mom smiles not having noticed me.

"Hey," I greet and mom looks at me.

She looks angry and frustrated, but won't acknowledge me. Instead she goes and puts Jack in his crib.

"I'm sorry," I say simply.

"Em, honey, I know you're not a kid…and I know I didn't used to worry so much, but things are different now." She whispers walking away from the now sleeping Jack, "I almost lost you twice now, and I've got a little baby who needs his sister… what am I supposed to do? I know it wasn't your fault, but when I went to Degrassi…when I was your age…things like that…they didn't happen. And I didn't have to worry about computers either."

"I know, mom. We're all a little on edge," I explained.

She smiled and kissed me on the forehead, "You have school tomorrow…"

"I know, I know time for bed," We giggle.

She nods as I slip away and as I reach the stairs I can hear Snakes voice.

"That went well," He states.

"She doesn't understand, Archie," She sighs.

"Don't be so sure…after all it wasn't us…I'd say she's handling everything very maturely." He defends me.

If only they knew, but then again I'm not even sure I do. But it certainly helps to have something there to pass the time; I guess I'll have to go shopping more often.


	3. Chapter 3 7 6 05

**A/N: **It's finally here! After nearly a month of waiting part 3 of my story is finally complete. Of course considering that my other story is my main priority so please don't be completely surprised by the delay. With stories like this you have to be in just the right mind frame to write well so it does take a little thinking. I'd like to thank my wonderful reviewers xcrazibabii69x and YellyBelly! We only have 20 reviews to go before the big 25!

**Part 3:**

Ugh, Saturday! I hate Saturday! But I guess it's the best thing in my life right now. It's always a trade off, family or classmates. Somehow I think it's easier dealing with my classmates simply because mom can be very forceful when she wants something done her way. That means Saturday she runs my life…or at least she wants to and she'll try very hard to succeed. And this particular Saturday she's quite frantic getting me ready for my first encounter with the shrink. I can't wait oh yippee! I think it's a record number of lectures she's given me today; at least 15 in the hour since I got up. I'm doing my best to ignore them, but I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.

Right on cue little Jack starts crying giving mom a distraction from the daughter that belongs in a straight jacket. I sigh deeply and quickly chomp down on the last few bites of my cereal so I can get out of there before she gets back. With moments to spare I leave the room and as I turn around she's carrying Jack into the kitchen. She doesn't see me (luckily) and I hurry down to the basement and then out the window.

"Is 10 minutes alone too much to ask?" I say to myself, but I'm smiling since I actually got outta that crazy place known as my home. I don't know where I'm going, and mistakenly turn in the worst place possible. There I find myself face to face with Sean's old house, and currently Ellie's place. And then I realize that I really am lucky. I mean it might be nice to live alone like Ellie, but really I'm glad I have my family there for me. It's good that Ellie wasn't there with us when Rick died because I don't know how she'd deal alone. Sean's gone, and I know she's having enough trouble not cutting as it is. As I'm standing there staring at the house a wave of anger comes over me. She stole him away from me! If it hadn't been for her we could have gotten back together! But that's ok because I'm over him, remember?

As suddenly as I'd come I left, and I hope she didn't see me. I guess I'll never know if she did or not, but that's ok because not knowing might just save me some forced embarrassment. With nothing else to do I sneak back into my room half-way expecting my mom to be standing there waiting for an explanation. I happily discovered that she was not, and hopefully she had no clue at all that I'd left. And if she knew I left she didn't know I was back. I collapse on my bed with a sigh and think about the impending appointment with my worst nightmare and start begging myself to come up with some way to get out of it. There is no way. I had exactly 20 minutes and 2 seconds until mom started shuffling me into the car…and I was certainly not looking forward to that.

Those 20 minutes passed too quickly. Even if every second droned on endlessly it was inevitable that eventually those 20 minutes would pass. And as much as I hated the idea I was as ready for this as I'd ever be (which was not even a measurable amount of confidence) so I went without a fight, and I know mom was glad that I didn't fight (though I bet she expected me to tell her once again how fine I was). As soon as I was buckled in mom brought out Jack and set him into the car seat next to me.

"Mom, why are you bringing Jack?" I asked.

"Archie is going to Joey's later, I'm planning to go shopping, and we can't leave baby Jack alone so one of us has to take him and that means me." She explained.

"What exactly are you going shopping for?" I press.

"I didn't know that I had to tell you," She responds.

"Very funny, mom," I state, "You know if I was staying home I could baby sit him like always."

This is what she was expecting and she exploded, "Nice try, Em, but you're going. END OF STORY!"

It was worth a shot.

I've finally accepted my fate. I don't have any choice. It's a five minute drive to the psychiatrist's office, and from there it's a 29 ½ step walk to the door. And considering I'm strapped in a seat belt in the backseat of the car next to my baby brother there aren't many options for me to get out of it now. So why even bother to try? The psycho place is within view now and fast approaching so if I'm gonna get out of it I'm running out of time. Ok scratch that I've run out of time. Baby Jack is asleep, he can't help me now so I guess I'd better fess up and get the walking into the building part over with.

"Yes, the 9:00 appointment for Emma Nelson," Mom tells the lady at the front desk while bouncing Jack in her arms.

She taps a few buttons on her computer and then looks at the clock. UGH! It's only 8:57! 3 whole minutes that I have to sit out here in the waiting area! She smiles and informs me that I won't have to wait after all.

"Dr. Freemont's 8:00 appointment never showed up so she's free for you now Miss Nelson."

I can feel myself gulp as I follow the lady to a door. She knocks on the door and a voice calls out for us to enter.

"Ah, Emma!" She greets as I enter the room, "You're right on time. Come sit down."

The place she gestured for me to sit was more of a bed than a chair so the command really should have been for me to lie down. It was a chair kind of like in a dentist's office where you're leaning back at just the right angle so they can poke and prod every tooth in your mouth.

"You must be Dr. Freemont," I reply with a smile as I sit on the bed-like chair.

She nods, "So I guess we can skip the formal introductions."

How she knows I really didn't want to go through such formalities is beyond me, but it made me feel really uneasy and she sensed my tension.

"So Emma, how many siblings do you have?" She asks.

"One half-sibling," I reply uneasily.

She smiles before asking her next question, "How old are you Emma?"

"I believe that was on the forms my mom filled out," I mention in a friendly tone.

She nods, "You're very observant."

"How could I not notice, she was practically shoving those forms up my nose!" I laugh.

"She's a very protective mother isn't she?" Dr. Freemont asks.

I nod, "Not as bad as some I know," I admit.

She seems friendly enough, but that doesn't mean I'm going to get all soft and tell her anything. And then she got into the subject of school in the most subtle way imaginable.

"I understand your step-father is one of your teachers; how do you feel about that?" She asks.

She's caught me a little off-guard considering I didn't expect her to bring school into the conversation this soon into the session. I thought psychiatrists were known for their patience.

Calmly I shrug, "It was a little difficult at first, but it's getting easier to see him as both my teacher and my dad."

"When did he and your mother get married?" She asks.

I think for a moment getting a look of deep concentration on my face, "About a year and a half ago I think."

She nods and smiles before asking yet another question with a now puzzled expression, "It doesn't ever bother you to be in his class?"

"Not really, but some of my friends have a little trouble with it," I explain thoughtfully.

"Do your friends like him?" She asks.

"He teaches Media Immersion which is basically everyone's favorite required class," I point out.

I'm getting a little nervous wondering when she'll bring Rick into the mix, but I do my best not to show my uneasiness to her.

"Is he the only Media Immersion teacher?" She inquires.

"Yeah," I say.

"He must be a good teacher if everyone likes him so much," She prods.

"I never said EVERYONE liked HIM," I point out.

She nods realizing that I really never said anyone liked him (except me I guess), and now she's at a loss for a topic so she just sits there waiting for me to continue our conversation. I get a little fidgety 'cause she's staring at me and won't take her burning gaze off me. She's waiting for me to talk, and the longer I wait the more she can tell I'm avoiding the subject. Sensing my uneasiness she looks away probably hoping that'll help make me talk, but her eyes aren't distracted for long and soon enough she's staring again.

She'll be waiting a long time with this attitude and (looking at the clock) there are only 45 minutes left in our session. Huh? Hasn't more time passed than just 15 minutes? Looks like I'll be waiting a while too…

I don't exactly dislike Dr. Freemont, she's nice enough but the term psychiatrist doesn't exactly make her sound appealing. If she was the local grocer then it'd probably be easier to talk to her about these things without the fear of being completely understood and even known a little too well. I'd rather talk to a stranger than a professional my parents are paying. However the silence is driving me crazy, and before I can stop myself a question pops out of my mouth.

"So what exactly are you gonna tell mom and dad I said?" I blurt out.

She stares at me blinking in surprise, "Emma, have you ever heard of doctor patient confidentiality?"

But she doesn't even give me the chance to nod.

"I took an oath when I graduated that says anything that goes on in this room stays in this room. Whatever goes on here will remain completely confidential. No one but you and I will know what you have to say." She explains seriously.

I know she wishes she could lighten the mood by making a joke about, "I won't tell unless you say you murdered someone," But she's swallowing the words considering why I'm here in the first place. If I was a cutter like Ellie she might have said it, but considering I'm a victim of a school shooting it just doesn't fit the mood.

Another 30 minutes have passed and there are only 15 minutes left of this aching silence.

I shrug and giggle, "I don't even know why I'm here. Us sitting here is just wasting both our time."

"Alright then why don't we talk about something," She suggests.

"Like what?" I ask snottily.

"Whatever you want to talk about," she informs me.

"I can't think of anything," I inform back.

"Alright, then let's talk about you," She says confidently.

"Nothing to tell," I shrug, "We already went over the basics."

She nods, and I realize the gesture is really beginning to annoy me. I grit my teeth and don't say anything about it.

"Alright, then let's talk about me," She says.

"What?" I blurt out in confusion. Since when did shrinks talk about themselves to psycho patients?

"Emma, do you know why I became a psychiatrist?" She asks me.

I shake my head thinking "she uses my name way too much and it's getting on my nerves!"

"Would you like to know why?" She continues.

I shrug, "Sure."

"When I was a little girl my mother died and my father was devastated. I kept wishing there was some way I could help him, something I could do to make the pain go away, but there was nothing I could do. And for a full year he moped around the house, lost his job, and barely even talked to me. He still loved me, but he was ashamed that he couldn't admit he needed help and so he didn't want to face me. That went on for a while until one day I came home from school and learned that he had committed suicide…" She began, but instead of paying attention I found myself wondering how many times a day she rehearsed this little speech.

"I was now parentless and I shuffled from foster home to foster home for many years until finally I was adopted by a lovely family, but with no 'real' family I blamed myself for what happened to him and I vowed that I would help others to not make the same mistakes as my family." She finished.

By the time she was done I was actually listening intently, but even then there was no way I was going to trust Dr. M. Freemont.


	4. Chapter 4 4 6 07

**A/N: **After a…year of waiting I've finally gotten part 4 finished. I got distracted for a while from this story cause I wanted to finish Swami first and then I just couldn't seem to get in the right mood to write this. Then I sorta started another story, was sick for like a month, and now here I finally find myself back with this story. And, I hope you like it. Updates may not be frequent or regular, but I am going to do my best to finish this story. How long this story or will be or exactly where I'm gonna take it I have no idea. But, considering how much has happened on Degrassi since the last time I wrote it I'll have to take the time and put the extra stuff in to keep this story and my readers completely up to date with the goings on at Degrassi. It's not exact, and it's not completely the same timeline but I'll do my best. So now for a long overdue thank you to my reviewer katfishh! And now for an even longer overdue 'enjoy chapter 4!'

**Chapter 4: **

"Emma!" I hear my mother's voice ring loudly through the house, "you overslept, hurry up or you'll be late."

In my rush to sit up I bang my head on the headboard. Surprisingly, it hurts a lot and I grit my teeth restraining the 'ow' I know is on the tip of my tongue. I sigh, remembering what day it is.

"Did they really have to ruin my Saturdays too?" I ask aloud as I stuff my feet into some slippers by my bed.

It's a routine now. No matter what I sleep as late as I can on Saturdays in the hopes that mom'll forget about sending me to the stupid shrink for another stupid hour. 9:00-10:00 has got to be my absolute favorite hour of Saturday, and I mean that sarcastically.

"Em!" My mom calls again, "It's 8:30, get up here if you want some breakfast."

I gag at the thought, considering food isn't high on my list. If people are gonna stare at me all day then I might as well be skinny. And then I remember something else I'd forgotten in my haste. Manny. Her bubbly voice should have greeted me by now. She's been living with us for a week now, and of course I'm playing my part well. The sensitive friend who only wants the best for the people she cares about. I mean I'm not exactly jumping for joy that now she'll be able to keep an even closer watch on me than my parents. But, especially considering all the horrible things she's been through this year (the least of which being the incident with Peter Stone), it's not like I want her living out on the streets either. I guess I really am lucky 'cause I have such an understanding family, but even still I don't know of many people who've gone through near as much as I have.

"Coming mom!" I scream rubbing my sore head.

"Em, don't forget we have to leave in 20 minutes," my mom reminds me for the umpteenth time.

"How could I?" I ask sharply, but I don't think she heard…or she ignored me; that's possible too. "Where's Manny?" I call louder.

"She went over to Craig's, said something about he wanted to play his guitar solo for her."

I bound quickly up the stairs in an attempt to seem excited and happy.

"You sure are cheerful today," mom notices, "but you're still going."

I take it all in stride, "Whatever." I smile convincingly.

She puts a plate of scrambled eggs and toast in front of me, and with a smile I pick up my fork. As I stare down at the dish I frown, but my expression is hidden and mom's already occupied by Jack anyway. As I spoon a bite into my mouth dad walks in and gives mom and Jack a kiss. He heads toward me and I smile a reassuring smile even though I'm tired of this Saturday routine too…

"So, Em, how did that test in English go?" Dad asks casually as he takes a seat and starts buttering his toast.

"Fine," I say cheerfully, "I got a B."

"Well that's good," He nods his approval.

He's lying and I know it. Even after all that's happened they still expect me to say I made a hundred or at least an A. And I know they don't understand why their prize-winning student has suddenly gone to mediocre status, but it's better than the Fs and Ds they're used to hearing about now.

Still staring at Snake I drag my fork across the plate where my eggs should be, but I can tell I didn't get anything on my fork. I stare down at my plate in shock. I've only been eating for 3 minutes and I've already emptied my plate.

"That's gotta be a record," I think, my shocked expression still evident on my face.

"Em, do you want some more?" Mom asks.

"No," I reply casually and smile. The truth is: I'm starving, but I don't really want to eat more. Who knows, something might happen…I might get sick. I snicker, and try desperately to turn it into a cough. Mom stares at me, clearly not believing my coughing act, but she doesn't push the subject, and I'm kinda grateful.

Mom nods, "Alright honey." She turns back to washing the rest of the breakfast dishes.

Dad puts a hand on my shoulder, "Ready to go Em?"

"You're taking me, Snake?" I ask almost incredulously. Maybe it sounds like a rude comment, but since I started seeing the shrink he's been busy every Saturday morning…I always thought that suspicious.

He nods, ignoring my question as best he can, and pats my shoulder.

Mom turns around and looks at us, "I'll be there to pick you up at the normal time."

"10:01 and 53 seconds. Got it mom."

She nods and turns back to her dishes. "Em," She says, "Would you bring your plate over please."

AAA

Emma," Dr. Freemont looks at me, concern etched on her face.

I stare at the clock.

"Is there something you're not telling me?"

I stare at her bewildered, "No, of course not, Dr. F." I smile calmly. "What could I possibly be hiding?"

She hates my sarcasm and I know it, but her face remains placidly neutral. Her eyebrow rises slightly. She makes a note in her notebook.

"What would you like to talk about, Emma?" She asks me.

I shrug, "Not much to tell."

"Let's start with school. Has that been going well?"

"Yeah, I guess."

She stares at me, obviously wanting me to go on.

"Look, I don't really feel like talking today, alright?"

"That's fine, Emma. If you don't want to talk we don't have to."

"Really?" I ask skeptically.

She nods, "You only have to tell me what you want to tell me."

I smiled. Maybe she wasn't so bad after all. We stared at each other for the rest of the session.

Suddenly she stood up, "Well that's all we have time for today."

I nod and quickly duck out of the room, and I don't look back. I wanna get as far away from here as possible.

As promised, mom's outside waiting for me. Her face, like always, shows that she really wants to ask how it went. But she doesn't. And I'm glad, cause I still don't feel like talking. But I never do anyway. I can't even remember the last time I felt like talking. We drive home in silence; even baby Jack doesn't make a noise. And for an instant I miss his crying…cause at least when he cries mom gets distracted. And she doesn't stare at me the whole time, waiting for me to…I dunno…burst into tears or something. Anything. Anything to show I have emotions. But it's a lost cause since I don't anyway…since I lost them so long ago. I can barely remember the last time I really smiled or the last time I laughed.

The one thing people don't realize about depression or insanity or any of that junk is that your brain never stops working. Your brain knows that what's going on isn't right. You have this instinct that says you need to feel something, but you don't have an instinct to feel. And when you don't feel anything your stupid brain yells at you and tells you how you should be feeling. That's how people like me get to be such great actors. Whatever our brain says we should be feeling we pretend that we are. I think that's an instinct too. Because there is one emotion you can never get rid of, and you can't suppress it as much as the others: fear. It's the most basic emotion, and might I add the most annoying.

Jack coughs pulling me out of my trance, and, out of habit, I check to make sure that he's ok even before the words are out of mom's mouth.

"He's fine, it was just a cough," I explain in a monotone.

She nods, but doesn't say anything. The car is filled once again with complete silence, and somehow, in that silence, I drift to sleep.

My eyes burst open as we go over a bump, and I look around making sure mom didn't notice me sleeping. I can tell she hasn't because if she had she'd be smiling since I'm sure she worries about whether I get enough sleep or not. I don't know why, but I don't like it when people know I'm asleep. Maybe it's just a sense that I'm vulnerable in that state or maybe it's just the fact that I don't want people to worry about me not sleeping enough.

After my initial shock I blinked in the bright light just in time to see mom pulling into the driveway. Silently I got out of the car and headed for my room without stopping to help mom unload baby Jack. About halfway down the stairs I was greeted by the sound of Manny's giggling, and heading down further I could see both her and Craig sitting on my bed and staring at…something.

Manny looked up; she must have heard me, "Hey Em."

I smile at the greeting, and walk closer to find that they're looking at a photo album…my photo album. "What are you looking at?" I ask with a forced calmness in my voice, but they don't seem to notice.

"Just pictures," Craig explains.

"Of what?"

"Come see for yourself," he shrugs.

The pictures are from a time before my life got screwed up: before the shooting, before Sean, even before Jordan. 4 smiling faces stare up at me. Toby is strangling J.T. and Manny and I are laughing. I look away from the pictures, and I think Manny can tell I'm annoyed.

"Wanna go get some ice cream?" She offers breaking the silence.

Craig smiles, "You bet!"

They stared at me expectantly, "I'm paying!" Craig offered.

"Yeah definitely!" I agreed enthusiastically.

As the 2 of them headed up the stairs something caught my eye. I turned my head and found myself staring into my mirror. I stared at my reflection and watched as an arid look of disgust became plastered on my face.

"Em, you coming?" Manny came running back down the stairs.

"Coming!" I called to her.

"What's up, Em?" Manny asked when she saw me; a puzzled expression on her face.

I smiled, "Nothing." But as I ran up the stairs the realization suddenly struck me: I was fat.

AAA

"Coffee flavor, plz!" Manny requested from the guy with the ice cream cart.

We were in the park. The same park where I had spent so much of my childhood. It seemed almost ironic when I came here now: this park, with its flowers, trees, and laughing children, was the epitome of innocence.

"Wha d'yoo wan Em?" Manny asks through a mouth full of ice cream,

I smile, "Nothing, thanks. I'm not really that hungry."

Manny and Craig stared at me.

"I thought you were all excited about going to the park for ice cream," Craig said thoughtfully.

"Going to the park, yes. Getting ice cream, no." I corrected, though in all actuality he was right. I HAD wanted ice cream…until I saw myself in the mirror. I was fat enough already, I really didn't want to make myself any fatter.

He shrugged, "Whatever."

Manny was too busy enjoying her ice cream to consider the incident any further. I didn't really consider the incident any further myself. I could give up ice cream; no big deal. But as we sat on the grass my stomach started to growl, and, not wanting Craig and Manny to notice, I excused myself for a walk alone. The concern in Manny's eyes was almost sickening: since when was I not allowed to go on a walk? I could tell they were going to talk about me, and I wasn't in the mood to deal with that so I turned to them

"You guys can leave when you want, don't wait up for me."

"You sure, Em?"

"Yeah, it's no big deal."

Even before I finished the sentence I knew it was a huge mistake. The look in Manny's eyes told me right away that she was even more worried than before. I grit my teeth as I try to think of some excuse to get me out of this one. But there isn't one… Manny completely runs my life now.

"I'll come back in like half an hour," I assure them finally.

Manny smiles, "Ok."

As I turn around and walk away, I sigh: "So much for getting some alone time."


End file.
